My Midlife Crisis

A Guest Post Written by the Wife

For years, people asked me what I would do once the boys got older and didn’t need me as  much. They warned me that I needed to find something to do because they knew I didn’t have any hobbies. Every time it came up I just shrugged off the topic.  But not because I wasn’t worried, because I didn’t have an answer.  If I had a crystal ball, it would have told me I would spend my time sitting on the couch alone, binging smutty television, shopping online, and falling asleep early. Which I think we can agree is a terrible long term plan. But that is in fact where I found myself on a regular basis.

When the boys reached that very independent pre-teen stage of their life, I was approaching my late 30s and dealing with my own struggle. I was the heaviest I’ve ever been. I carried that weight for multiple years no matter how many years I said I wanted to get back to my pre-baby/college/wedding weight from 2008. Even though I’ve always been disappointed with my body, the disappointment reached a peak. I actually got to and then passed “that number” I never wanted to see on the scale. I found myself in leggings everyday only because I couldn’t zip up my jeans anymore. I refused to buy new clothes because I didn’t want to know my actual size.  

In addition to a weight loss goal, every year for about 3 years, I said I wanted to complete a 5k. I would see friends posting their running accomplishments and I even helped coordinate the school 5k, but I never met my goal. I was too embarrassed to think what would happen if I struggled to complete it or didn’t complete it in a time I would be okay with people knowing. My body was certainly not in shape to run like I used to and I didnt have the drive to start figuring it out.

So one day while sitting alone on the couch, feeling disappointed with my body, not reaching my goals, and feeling lost with what to do next, it hit me. I was having a midlife crisis. Now, yes these years also lined up with the Covid years which certainly didn’t help, but I don’t want to blame it all on Covid. It already gets blamed for a lot of things.

This moment in time happened as 2023 crept up on the calendar.  I only had a year and a half to get my stuff together before that scary 40 number. The problem was I still had no idea where to begin or what to do. But my first opportunity came in February, when my friend invited me to a free public workout for Valentine’s Day at Kettlebell. I thought it would be fun, interesting, why not just go for it. She had been going for a few months and liked it, so maybe I would too.  Well, after that 1st session, I was hooked, signed up right then and there for a membership.  I wasn’t 100% sure I would have the energy to keep up with it, but I really did love it there. I even loved that for the next 3 days I couldn’t walk up and down the stairs properly as my thighs recovered from all of those squats.

Kettlebell started as a 2 or 3x a week adventure for the 1st 6 months and then ramped up to 4x a week in the fall. I found myself trying to find a slot each day in case I couldn’t make one of the other days. Starting in the winter, my Kettlebell journey went to 5x a week, sometimes 6 or 7, one time up to 13 in a row.  Some said I was obsessed. I think I love the gym so much because it reminds me of the theme song from the show “Cheers”.

And now that you are singing the song, the coaches and several members of the gym know your name, the coaches always greet you with a smile, talk to you about what’s going on in your life while you work out, and our troubles are all the same as we commiserate in drenching sweat during Endurance or HIIT Day. I thrive in social situations, and when I signed up for the gym, we were still 100% working from home. So I needed to talk to people in person.

The only problem was no matter how much I went to the gym, I still didnt like how I looked even after a year of going regularly. I certainly wasnt losing any weight. I gained muscle, but it wasnt as visible as I hoped. I had better endurance, but my ass still felt heavy and my love handles were plentiful.

After returning home from our February 2024 vacation, Jason, who also wanted to change the way he looks, started a diet and exercise program. It focused on calorie restriction and specific workouts each day.  He was seeing results quite quickly, so I was intrigued. But I am such a picky eater. I love pizza, bread, and pasta. How could I go without or with less of those things? The only dieting I ever tried was exchanging rice for pasta for a month and I lost 5 pounds. That wasn’t anything to celebrate. I thought this might be my 2nd opportunity so I asked him to teach me about the program and help me get set up in May. The program recommended 1700 calories a day for me to lose weight so I committed to 1500, to give myself room for any incorrect estimates or missed snacks.  When I’ve told people my limit is 1500 I got a few, “oh thats not too bad.” Let me tell you, it sucks. 

But it’s been nice to have both of us follow the same program. We understand meals require more planning with weighing and measuring all of our food. Yes, all of it. We understand going out to eat, fancy alcoholic drinks, decadent desserts, and pastries are not options. We work through our hangry moments and help each other with decisions. We talk about how hungry we are or new adjustments we found to squeeze in better calories with different foods. Keto type breads, Nick’s ice cream, rice instead of pasta (again), as little salad dressing as possible, less and lower calorie creamer in coffee are some of our solutions. Many evenings you can still hear, “Do you have any calories for a dessert?” so we can look forward to splitting a 100 calorie Wondersquare. I do still miss some of my old favorites.  I really enjoyed going out to eat on occassion and I haven’t had a real caramel macchiato or a pumpkin spice latte since I started the program, but I found alternatives at home that will have to work.

After a month on the program, I was starting to see real results on the scale. I was in shock that it was working and shocked that I was sticking with it.  I continued to follow the program and do Kettlebell 5 or 6x a week throughout the summer.  I was a little worried about pairing them because I didn’t think I would have the energy for the workouts and that I would lose the muscle I gained. There were definitely a few days of feeling like death and questioning that heavier bell but I found ways to balance what I ate before going to the gym (usually just a protein bar) and it quickly wasn’t an issue. 

With the end of summer approaching, I couldn’t stop thinking about my last goal to complete a 5k but knew I didn’t have much time to get this one done. I started researching how to train for a 5k and asked my coworkers who run everyday what they suggest.  I started with the run/walk every so many seconds technique for 2 miles. I went run/walking during our camping trip which was an interesting experience during a hangover, but I did it.  After a handful of those at home, I realized I could push myself more than that. I was just nervous to try. I was afraid of failing.

I worked my way up to my first 5k, all running, with my coworker during lunch. I told him no more than 2 miles, but at the 2 mile mark, I told him I wanted to keep going. That was all I needed to prove to myself that I could do it.  But was I ready for a race?  Where would I fit the training in? I did a few more trial runs at home and at the soccer field, sometimes doubling up with Kettlebell followed by a run.  Those weren’t my favorites. 

Finally I decided I should just sign up for the next 5k and give myself that goal. I chose the 5k I previously coordinated, because I was familiar with the crowd and the course. I continued to complete a 5k 3x a week for the next few weeks to train for the actual race. Going around the soccer field got old fast, so I started to expand out, poorly choosing to go up a very hilly road and attempting a different 5k course which ended with a crazy hill climb as well.  What did I learn? Dover has lots of hills.

I was very nervous for the few days leading up to the 5k. My stomach was in knots, I kept doubting my practice pace. I was afraid I would trip or trip someone else. I didn’t know how to prepare, what to eat, how much water to drink, when to stop drinking water. I also didn’t know what I should wear. Which shorts and shirt would be the best option? All I had planned was a bright colored shirt so cars would see me. Safety first! I joked that I wanted to show up in disguise so no one knew it was me.  I didn’t want to be embarrassed.

But the day finally arrived, I put on my pink shirt with matching bra and underwear (because it just made me feel more put together)  and I arrived about an hour early to get parking. I went to get my bib and when I saw it was an odd number, my heart sank. I hate odd numbers. So I had to come up with a meaning to the number to be mentally okay with it. 2971. The boy’s birthday is on the 29th, people say 7 is lucky, and I would love to place 1st, so that’s what I went with. After I picked up my bib, I tried to socialize for a few minutes but it wasn’t working. I went back to my car to be antisocial which felt awkward to calm my nerves. I texted Jason about my experience so far and about 20 minutes before the start, I got out, did some more socialization, waited in a long ass line for the bathroom and picked my spot in the 1st 3rd of the pack. 

I didn’t know making a decision on where you start would be so stressful. I got a few tips and ideas from others. They all said stay in the front and one friend told me to stay away from anyone who was warming up with jogging or jumping jacks. Sure enough there was a man doing pogo jumps, so I knew where not to be. When someone commented on my final starting position, I said I just didn’t want to be surrounded by kids. Since this is an elementary school hosted race, the guy next to me who clearly looks like a seasoned runner says to me, “well then you are screwed”.

While waiting for the star spangled banner to start and the official “go”, I tested and retested my music and fitness timer over and over and over. Can I get to the apps, will my phone play the right music, what do I need to tap, click, and scroll?  Once I actually crossed the starting line, I darted a bit too strong and had to tell myself to slow down. People told me I would get over excited in the crowd, but should break out from it as quickly as possible.  So I scoped out an empty spot and headed for it.

Overall the actual race was pretty uneventful. People had plenty of room so I didn’t feel crowded or pressured to get out of the way. Most people listened to headphones and didn’t talk so it was almost like one of those silent discos. The hill climb was the worst as to be expected but it was at least at the beginning. There were quite a few locals along the way cheering us on or offering water. I was afraid to accept the water as I could see myself knocking over the entire table of open water cups as I tried to grab just one and then I had my environmental conscience of what to do with a plastic cup for the rest of the race? At one point, we ran through a neighborhood and a lady watching us from her front lawn looked right at me and said, “You go girl, go get someone.”  

When I got back to the main road, I could feel others around me speeding up in the last ½ mile. I didnt look down at my watch at all, so I had no idea how fast I was going. When I hit the last corner and saw the finish line, I dug in deep and as the photo shows, came into the finish with my arms flailing out of control.  After the finish line, I think I grabbed a water bottle from a small child volunteer a little too aggressively. I am one of those people who cant think straight or speak when Ive worked out hard so I didnt even see that Jason and the boys were at the finish line until they came running up to congratulate me. Once I caught my breath and was able to talk, we checked the stats and I was quite shocked. I ended at about 24 and 1/2 minutes, 44th out of about 300 runners, and 8th in my age division of 26 to 40. I am very proud of myself and even more excited that I finally met my goal. But now the challenge is on. Is this my peak or can I do better? I’ve already signed up for the next 5k to find out.

So here I am after a year and a half of Kettlebell, 5 months of calorie restriction, and about a month of running and I am almost at a point where I am okay with how I look.  My weight has leveled off for a few weeks so I think my body is mostly done with that game. I’m going to continue to restrict the calories and weigh my food just to see what happens because I over analyze and question if Im truly done. Im honestly afraid to start adding calories. I will still show up for Kettlebell 4 to 5x a week because I love it. I also set a goal to keep running 3x a week and sign up for the race series next year because as I’ve seen on several shirts, I run to get the crazy out. I have no idea what running looks like when winter hits. I may decide to just deal with it or if I’m too miserable, take the season off and pick it up again in the spring. But the official results are in.  I’m down 26 pounds and unfortunately 1 cup size – the weight has to come from somewhere. I’m able to lift heavier than last year with almost 200 workouts completed this year, and my ass doesnt feel as heavy when I run. It feels good!

I acknowledge that I didn’t do this alone. None of this was possible without my friend inviting me to the gym, the coaches encouraging me at the gym, Jason supporting me on my diet, my coworkers encouraging me to run, and my family accepting my random and sometimes chaotic workout schedule. I don’t know how long I will be able to maintain this, but it feels good knowing I was able to finally accomplish goals I set way too long ago and face my midlife crisis.